Hopelessly trying to fill the void. Fit your criteria. Pound this ache back into my chest. Sleep a little too. My head is killing me. I never thought I’d feel this way again. I really didn’t, but in the back of my head I knew I couldn’t escape it for very long.

أنا فقدت بذلك I بدونك يا صغيرتي

لانسحاب من حبوب منع الحمل تزداد سوءا وسوءا. وأنا أحاول أن تجاهلها ولكن لا أستطيع أن تساعد في ذلك. أشعر فارغة داخل اليومية من دونها. فكنت أحسب انها تريد الحصول على أفضل، ولكن لا أستطيع الحصول على قبالة لها ذهني. افتقد القطعة المفقودة من داخل لي. أنا ذاهب إلى الاستمرار في دفع من خلال ذلك. ليس لدي خيار. فما استقاموا لكم فاستقيموا إعطاء أي شيء للشم وثلاثين ويشعر على قيد الحياة مرة أخرى.

I look back to the one and only summertime

When my girl was the envy of every friend of mine

She slept safely in my arms

We were so young and invincible

Closed lips, she was never one to kiss and tell

Those trips in the summer never went so well

Young love is such dumb love

Call it what you want, it was still enough

And you’re still out of my reach

And you’re still all of the things that I want in my life

How could I ask you to leave me?

And we were just kids in love

The summer was full of mistakes we wouldn’t learn from

The first kiss stole the breath from my lips

Why did the last one tear us apart?

Our breath smelled of cigarettes and alcohol

We’d walk down the beach, counting every star

Our hearts beat inside our chests

Leaving us gasping for every breath

Her smile with the wind blowing through her hair

Was so contagious in the air

So satisfying and I’m still smiling

How did you get so ungrateful?

You treat me like I’m a disease and it’s been killing me

Chances are, you never even cared at all

I’m sure you had your reasons but I’ll never get to hear 

The truth disguised in all your alibis 

It’s a tradition practiced

Every time you say goodbye

I’ve tried so hard 

To be what you needed

Your imaginary enemy

I’ve tried for so long 

To make you believe it

That I am not the enemy 

Slipshod cavalier

I can’t stand to see those things that

You have taken for granted

Thrown away everything you’ve been handed

Too much all at once that’s how you got so ungrateful

All you saw was the burden

Standing beside all your blessed truths

Disguised in all you alibis

It’s a tradition practiced

Every time you say goodbye 

Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m happy or not. I can’t tell what I’m feeling and it scares me. Not knowing. I want to be sure. I want to catch it before it gets out of hand again. I feel disgusting again. Cheap. Unworthy. I feel destructive again. I feel like there’s nothing I can ever do to ever be good enough. So I just want to rip it all to shreds, and escape the numbness with anything I can find. No matter what this feeling comes back when my life is on track. I’m at it’s mercy. My lust for destruction and pain is so unhealthy. I desire my old life in the worst ways, simply because even though everything was crumbling it was my chaos. Chaos that is comfortable. I’m used to being hurt, miserable, neglected. Now that I have the polar opposite I feel as though it isn’t right. It’s not what I know, therefore I automatically assume its what I deserve. I supposed I’m subconsciously punishing myself. Although that doesn’t even scratch the surface of explaining every other emotion being slammed around my brain. I’m a mess. I truly am. But I accept it. I’ll figure it out. I always do.

I’m so completely head over heels in love with you. You complete every part of me. You balance me. You bring out the best in me. I love exactly who I am when I’m with you. You make me feel good enough, and beautiful, and worth it. My days have a meaning. I can’t believe I found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. My rock. I am so lucky. You’re my everything. You’re my heart and soul, and I wouldn’t ever give this up for absolutely anything in the world. I don’t know what I’d ever do if I lost you. I finally found someone who loves me for exactly what I love about myself. 

Why am I so depressed tonight?

I wake up every day more in love than the day before.

Today was one of the scariest days of my life. I keep replaying the car accident over and over again in my head. The cop said he doesn’t know how I survived. I’ve felt you with me all day more than I have in such a long time. It’s been so nice, comforting really. I can’t even explain how grateful I am. I feel like I honestly got a second chance. I don’t know how I’m even here, but it put a lot of shit into perspective for me. I’m going to try and be a better daughter, friend, sister and girlfriend. I really am. The people I love most deserve it. I feel okay. I feel happy. Like I really do have a purpose on this Earth. I don’t want to waste away my existence. I want to make things better.